“Taryn, who should I go to the dance with, Justin or Brady?” “Taryn, which car should I ask my mom for a Prius or a Jetta?” “Taryn. . .”
Ever since Taryn Powell turned sixteen he can’t seem to get away from these types of questions. Just how the dungeon master of the Dungeons & Dragons after school club became so popular is dumbfounding.
Taryn might be dumbfounded but he isn’t dumb. His popularity soared when he found out he was adopted after his real dad died and left him a book he doesn’t plan on reading, a trust fund with an undetermined amount of money in it, and a Mazerati.
He might understand his popularity but he hasn’t quite figured out that he’s only half-mortal and heir to the throne of destiny. Now, if he had opened up that book he set aside he would know a lot of things about himself and probably wouldn’t have offered random advice to the kids at his school. But he’s popular now and determined to finally get somewhere with a girl, and not just any girl--any big-boobed girl.
Before he can claim the title, God of Destiny, he must first get his mind out of the gutter and prove that he’s not the one ruining the lives of every kid in his high school.
My YA fantasy novel, THE GAME MAKER’S APPRENTICE, is complete at 54,000 words.
Sincerely,
Patricia A. Timms
patriciamcgehee@gmail.com
This concludes my entry into Jodi Henry's Query Blogfest. Please feel free to leave constructive feedback even if you're not participating in the blogfest.
Ok, I'm a non-participant, but I have a feeling this will do very well. Well done and all the very best with it Pat.
ReplyDeleteBtw I was adopted too. Read all about it in my latest post.
Hi Patricia,
ReplyDeleteHere's my two cents:
NEVER throw dialogue into a query. It's just bad show. There's no easy way to comment this to you, so I had to be blunt about it. Don't take it wrong. There are other ways to convey questions like that through straight prose.
The first two paragraphs are fine and I do like the second one. It has interesting voice.
In P3, you're just straight telling me stuff and it's kind of boring. A key line that stuck out is, "Now if he had opened that book..." That's writing that sounds too much like everyday speech and not something that should be enticing an agent.
P4 is too vague. What is the throne of destiny and where is it. What is it's purpose. Was his real father God of Destiny and what were his obligations as such? You need more.
Try to take this in some different directions.
Best,
JWP
In My Write Mind
Interesting idea here. Justin is right. When I started reading dialogue I was completely confused. Everything I've read says not to do that. Most agents cringe when you start with a question, much less dialogue.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the rest is pretty good. Here are a few tightening suggestions. Take them or leave them as you like. :)
"His popularity soared when he learned he was adopted. His real dad died and left him a book he doesn’t plan on reading, a trust fund with an undetermined amount of money in it, and a Mazerati."
"If he had read that book, he would have figured out he’s only half-mortal and heir to the throne of destiny. And he probably wouldn’t have offered random advice to the kids at his school. But he’s popular now and determined to finally get somewhere with a girl, and not just any girl--any big-boobed girl."
The big-boobed girl was jarring in relation to the tone in the rest of the query. Is there a specific girl in mind, or did you mean he just wanted to get it on with any girl with big boobs? That wasn't clear.
All in all, not too bad. :D
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm going to counter the "no" dialogue aspect, I've seen MS get picked up on snappy dialogue input. That said, don't use dialogue for a log line, slot in later if going for impact!
Hee hee, you got me hooked right around Mazerati, 'cos Taryn is shown to be a spoilt rich brat. Yeah, this is a relatively good query and succinct. ;)
best
F
I'd start with:
ReplyDelete"Taryn might be dumbfounded but he isn’t dumb. Just how the dungeon master of the Dungeons & Dragons after school club became so popular isn't exactly a mystery. His popularity soared when he found out he was adopted after his real dad died and left him a book he doesn’t plan on reading, a trust fund with an undetermined amount of money in it, and a Mazerati."
I also think the "big-boobed" descriptor is out of place.
I think para. 5 should be stronger. But that said, I think it's a great premise. You might need to raise the stakes a bit. As a former D&D junkie, I'd totally be interested in reading.
Cheers. Hope this helps.
So, my question is this: Is this what your book is about? A guy who inherits a mysterious book and is suddenly popular? I'm wondering if the true plot of this book is hidden under all of your voice. I could be waaaay off base, and if I am, stop reading right now and feel free to flip off your computer screen. (Aaaaand GO.)
ReplyDeleteIt all sounds fine to me, but when I got to the 3rd and 4th paragraph, I wondered if the mention of the book he should have read and the "title" was a bigger plot than the fact that he's popular and may or may not be ruining the lives of students by answering questions? (I'm confused on all that - sorry.) I think the plot got overshadowed by all of your awesome voice and your MC's popularity.
You must go with your instinct with the dialogue. I would suggest reading as many interviews done by the agent to whom you're submitting to as you can -- and go from there.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, was done put off by it, but rather I was intrigued by it. You might want to bring up the half-mortal aspect to your MC up sooner.
None of us are seers. We are rookies in some way.
Just know that agents are eye-tired, weary from having read so many queries with so many to read :
make your letter as entertaining as possible, break up long paragraphs, start with the shortest hook possible, and write the summary of your novel as if you were doing it for TV Guide.
Good luck in your dreams! Roland
I love the voice (really love the voice!) but I'm wondering what the stakes really are? What is the conflict and who or what is the antagonist?
ReplyDeleteWhile I really like the voice in this one, I'm not getting a sense for your main character (other than the fact that he's a sleazeball), or the plot (though what I am reading here sounds cool.)
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should axe the dialogue. Never a favorite.
THIS IS A GREAT LINE: Just how the dungeon master of the Dungeons & Dragons after school club became so popular is dumbfounding.
The rest of the query leaves your MC ignoring things and chasing girls with big boobs, which asks the question: why do I want to spend a book with him?
Give a clear sense of what he spends the book doing (besides ogling women), and what he's up against.
But it's good that your voice is there. That's always hard to input into a query.
It's really interesting seeing everyone's comments. I already told you what I thought, so I won't repeat that. But, with the dialogue in the beginning ... the first time I read your query, it confused me. The more I read it, the more I liked it. I'm not sure if that means you should cut it or keep it, but just wanted to let you know.
ReplyDeleteWow! I was gone all day yesterday and just now getting back to my blog. I'm so happy to see so much great advice. I have a lot to think about in terms of working on my query. Some of it is conflicting but that just goes to show that there's is no one right way to work a query. That probably means I could make a couple of different ones and try them out. Starting at the bottom of my preferred agent list, of course.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to go around to each of your blogs and see what you've come up with.
This book sounds like it's great fun and on the whole this is a great query.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others - the questions do nothing for me. It would be better if you could show his popularity some other way in the first sentence of P1
You say he is "dumbfounded" but then you say "he may understand his popularity" this appears to be a contradiction.
Although I agree with the comments about big boobed, I understand that you were trying to demonstrate his coarseness (for which read typical teenage boy). Couldn't you write "... finally get somewhere with a girl, any girl, the bigger the better." In the context big boobs would be implied.
Anyway well done!
:Dom
You bring a lot of voice to the query, which is great, but I think the premise of the story is lost a little. Is the major point of the story his being popular? If it isn't then you spend too much time on it. Focus your query on the main obstacle and the goal, then add back in some voice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very intriguing concept. The voice is there. I would lose the questions, because it is frowned upon more than accepted. Also, I wouldn't focus so much on his popularity or big boobs. He only wants a girl with big boobs? There isn't a certain girl who trumps all others? One who doesn't give a damn about all his popularity, money, and the Mazerati? If there is a specific girl, I'd focus on that or mention it at least.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd change the title to The Game Maker's Son or something. Using apprentice is too familiar to the Vampire Apprentice. I don't know I could be wrong - it's just something I noticed.
That's it. I love the idea of a game maker's book and that he controls his friends' destinies and I wonder what he'll do with that power. Well done!!! :D
the voice is great. i like the idea of a D&D dungeon master becoming king of his high school and, in essence, turning it into one big D&D game. I'd love to have a few specifics thrown in, though, to show the bad advice he's given students and the consequences thereof. i have the sneaking suspicion that some of it is HILARIOUS. :D
ReplyDeleteand i would definitely pick this up. it sounds like it'd be a really fun read.
Some great advice. I must admit the dialogue through me. I like the idea Lexcade just mentioned. A tidbit of his advise affecting someone might give it more drama.
ReplyDeleteAs you know I love the premise. And the voice goes without saying.
I wish I had more to offer.
Michael
I love this idea. A couple of thoughts: I'd blend in the fantasy elements a little sooner. Also, I don't mind the dialog, but nothing would be lost if it wasn't there. Hope this helps. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love the query, but agree that you should ditch the dialogue. The dialogue has the possibility of working out maybe, but you should replace it with something that you know will work.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I connect with your MC from the beginning.
Other than reading a book and not being a perv what must your MC overcome? I know there's more to it in your MS, but right now from the query it looks like it's just those two things.
I love the concept of this. The voice is totally there. and to play the devil's advocate--I laughed my ass off at the any big-boobed girl, bit.
ReplyDeleteThis is YA.
I agree you need to put some overreaching plot in there too. Unless this is a character driven book instead of plot based. Yes, such thing exists, but not usually in YA.
Mention the fantiasitcal elements sooner, ditch the dialogue and give me a great hook instead.
good luck
J
I love the premise! The God of Destiny bit really leapt out at me and made me go "When can I read this?" The voice is brilliant and humourous--I really like it. However, the questions you started the query letter with bored me pretty quickly, as I didn't yet know how awesome the story is. Perhaps start with a bigger hook. I may suggest switching the first two paragraphs over and re-writing it a little:
ReplyDelete"Just how Taryn Powell, dungeon master of the Dungeons & Dragons club, became the most popular boy in school is dumbfounding. “Taryn, who should I go to the dance with, Justin or Brady?” “Taryn, which car should I ask my mom for a Prius or a Jetta?” “Taryn. . .” Ever since he turned sixteen, Taryn can’t seem to get away from these types of questions."
Hope this helps.
P.S. I believe the car is spelt MaSerati. :)
ReplyDelete