Tall Tales



Me and the giant sunflower in my garden.

No lie, I thought the two-for-one dollar grow-it-yourself seeds at Home Depot wouldn't outgrow my garden. Especially because my 5-year-old son was in charge of starting it and then transferring it into our vegetable garden. Honestly, it was a craft; a project for the kids to do while my husband and I transferred our summer plants into the big garden from the starter kit. Now look at the darn thing. That sunflower is at least 10 feet tall. Ridiculous. Absoultely ridiculous.

Hmmm.

Anyway, summer has gone on a little too long. I'm ready for the kids to go back to school. I'm pretty sure it's more my fault than theirs that I'm this fried. See, every summer I work from a self-made calendar of activities and use it to build routine into chaos. This summer I built chaos into chaos and got lots of chaos. Brilliant, Patty.

So far this summer we have:

• Kept our morning study routine of 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes math, 20 minutes bridge to the next grade worksheets.
• Kids kept up with their penpals (Excellent handwriting practice. Plus, they should know how to send letters via mail not just email. Worked out great!)
• Made slime
• Went to a movie
• Built and raced robots with two other families
• Big 4th of July party at my house
• Went to Hawaii for 10 days
• Went camping
• Went to the beach-twice
• Had a pizza party and experimented with dry active yeast
• Completed the Barnes & Noble Reading Challenge for the kids
• Went to the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles
• Had a balloon party with 6 booths
• Went to the library (albeit, we only renewed our card for e-reading on our ipad)
• Went to the park a couple times (walked once and then got smart and drove the second time)
• Made a time capsule for the yard
• Made ice cream in Zip Loc bags
• There were sleepovers and back yard movies
• Went to see "The Beatles" play with the kids and neighbors
• Did enough swimming (yep, there can be enough of that)
• Oh, celebrated 7-11's birthday, got free Slurpees and cheap food

And that doesn't complete summer nor does it include what I've done for myself:

• Husband finally made good on that gift certificate for Glen Ivy Hot Springs he gave me
• Read six books: WITHER by Lauren DeStefano, BLOOD MAGIC by Tessa Gratton, REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly, THE FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH by Carrie Ryan, TEXAS GOTHIC by Rosemary Clement-Moore, WE WERE HERE by Matt de la Pena
• Prepared for the upcoming SCBWI conference in Los Angeles
• Started a new journal
• Started a new idea for the upcoming NaNoWriMo
• Worked with a lovely Crit Group on a completed story
• Added to a WIP
• Went out with the ladies
• Handed out grapes, apricots and vegetables to neighbors
• Went on a wine tour with neighbors
• Planned hubby's 40th bday party
• Planned daughter's 9th bday party
• Planned son and niece's 6th combine bday party

NONE of that includes the refereeing I had to do for the bickering, yelling, fighting, hitting, and teasing that goes on between 3 children.

NONE of that included 4 days per week of extracuricular activities (Tae Kwon Do, Piano,Voice and upcoming Reading Program)

Mainly because that's the yeah, yeah, yeah stuff. Like, yep, kids need a lot of attention during summer.

However, I wasn't AT ALL prepared for the most ridiculous of all kinds of ridiculous arguments I've ever had with my 9-year-old daughter (This too is no lie. Not at all a tall tale): My daughter's friend is apparently going to be homeschooled this year. (I have no opinion on that) I let my daughter spend the day bowling and hanging out at said girlfriend's house. Daughter came home and BEGGED me to homeschool her.

I'm thinking: What the?
I say: "No. Believe me, you don't want to be homeschooled."
Daughter says: "Yes, I do. [Said friend] is."
I say: "So?"
D says: "Why can't I?"
I say: "Sorry. It isn't going to happen. You can't even sit and do your homework for 20 minutes without complaining. You don't qualify for being homeschooled. Plus, it's not like you would get to hang out with your friend who will be schooled IN HER OWN HOME!!!!!"
D says: "I'm going to HATE fourth grade! My life SUCKS!!!!"

I'm left thinking: Sucks? That's a new one. (At this point I can't focus on her word choice. I'm too busy wondering a lot of other things.) What in the hell kind of things did her friend's mom say to make homeschooling sound THAT appealing? And what kind of kid thinks their life SUCKS because they aren't going to be pulled away from all their friends to be stuck at home with me all day everyday? This is a joke, right? Anyone? Anyone? Damn, I'm by myself and NOBODY is going to believe this conversation.

AHHHHH! I have to get out of summer. Right now!

The Effects of a Good Blonde Joke

Before I trudge on with ultimate blondness I want to thank the bloggers who came looking for me while I've been away. Mostly summer caught up with me and spending time with my mom while she's been sick. But now I'm back! (and hopefully better than ever, hahaha!)

I'm a blonde, yep, with an 'e'. You see blonde/blond is a French word where the ending letter determines the sex of the person you're describing. So, I'm a blonde with an 'e'. I'm always surprised at how many books use 'blond' to describe girls. I guess the rule doesn't matter in America and I don't have much of an opinion on that.

So, being a blonde, I hate writing MC's as blondes.

Why?

Because blondes are either stupid, slutty, cheerleaders, prissy, the popular ones, or the evil ones. You might be thinking I'm reaching now. There are plenty of good books where the MC is blonde and she isn't any of those things and none of her friends think that. Such as the Evermore Immortals series by Alyson Noel (love those books).

But seriously, I rarely see book covers with blondes who aren't any of the things I've described. When a blonde is featured on a YA cover the title usually includes Pretty or Queen.

I'm thinking this has to do with the effects of a good blonde joke. I've been around for awhile and have heard some really good blonde jokes. My favorite being:

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A. Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

See, what I mean? That's a pretty good one. With jokes like that, how can I possibly make my MC a pretty blonde who happens to be smart and witty with a good sense of humor and an uncanny knack to blow off the stupid boys effectively? I could. But would you trust that she would be this way if you saw her pretty little face on the cover of the book?

Let's face it. Marketing a blonde MC that doesn't fit into her cliche would be more difficult than a brunette.

What percentage of YA girl MC's do you think are brunette? And blonde?

Do you jump at buying up books where a blonde-haired girl is pasted on the cover?

I tried to jump out of my blonde cliche by getting tattoos and body piercings when I was young. And even still, I added two more tattoos in my thirties. I wanted people to take me more seriously and not as a dim-witted, bubbly, cheerleader-esque, goody-goody. For the most part it worked; people realize I have more depth than my appearance might otherwise suggest.

The only bummer about that is. . .I never get to hear the good blonde jokes anymore.

Conference Advice

No, no, no. I'm not going to OFFER any conference advice, I'm LOOKING for some.

I am happy to say that I get to go to the SCBWI Los Angeles Conference in August. Is anyone else going? I would LOVE to meet up.

Are you debating whether or not you should go? YOU SHOULD! If you are AT ALL on the fence about this conference I can tell you that even without conference experience this is going to be AWESOME!

Are you thinking: It's Los Angeles, that's not a safe place, it's dirty and far away?

You're not entirely wrong about all of that. However, Los Angeles is HUGE and wraps itself around cities such as Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, etc. Traffic alone could put you hours away from the bad areas. Haha! Out here we don't judge distance in miles,only in time. It could be a mile away but more importanlty, how long will in take me to get there?

I've been living in California for 14 years and spent nearly 3 years living in Hollywood and West Hollywood and can tell you for certain that the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza is in a beautiful area off of Avenue of the Stars. Nothing at all to be afraid of.

Now, enough of putting you at ease with this particular conference, I need you to put me at ease. I've never been to a conference. Yep, I a newbie--newb, if you will.

Any advice? Funny stories? Do's? Don'ts? I wouldn'ts? You should's? If you can's? If you haven'ts?

I've already booked my hotel room but have to be honest when I say, I wish I had a roommate to share the cost with. If you are seeking a roommate for those days, let me know. If you are going to be there, drop me a line. I WANT TO MEET YOU!

Vegas was. . .AWESOME!

Spring Break is over, my kids are back at school and I've come back from Vegas with stories and pictures. Now, I've been hesitant to come back right in the middle of the A to Z blogfest but I think it will be okay.

To preface the pictures, my sister and I took my mom to Vegas to cross that off her bucket-list. I must say, for a woman who is suffering terminal pancreatic cancer and had been given 3 to 6 months to live back in January, she sure lived it up in Vegas:

My Mom at the Minus 5 degrees Ice Bar at Monte Carlo in Vegas

I tell ya, when you ask your mom to sit with your drink for a minute so you and your sister can get shots from the bar you DON'T expect to find her dancing in a corner with a penguin. That's the kind of stuff you read about in fiction or see in Vegas. If you can't find any interesting characters in Vegas then you know who you are: The character in Vegas.

Left to right: Me, my mom, and my sister.

I'm happy to say that my sister and I were able to convince a 23-year-old that we were around his age. Shhh! Who cares how many shots he had before that?  I loved this bar. It's not one you hang out in for too long but the fact that EVERYTHING is made out of ice made this a memorable place. I would definitely go back.

Unwritten rules need not apply. You know how what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? I'm assuming that statement doesn't apply to souvenirs.

My new tattoo.

My sister's husband's cousin-in-law after he tattooed me in Vegas! Great guy!

The tat is the Eye of Horus. For those of you who don't know, this Egyptian symbol wards off the evil eye, brings spiritual power, wisdom, prosperity and good luck. This is actually my fifth tattoo. I have an atom that represents me and my children on my left wrist and because the Eye of Horus represents religion versus spirituality to me, I enjoy being able to say the tattoos on my wrists represent how religion and science go hand in hand.

Oh yeah, I went there to work on character building. I'm happy to say I did that as well. We not only had time to do some people watching we managed to get three shows in as well. We saw Terry Fator, the ventriloquist from America's Got Talent, Viva Elvis Cirque du Soleil and David Copperfield. During David Copperfield my mom and sister both participated in the finale which was a vanishing trick. That was pretty cool. Good times had by all.

There she is: My sister had just returned from being vanished on stage.

David Copperfield was an interesting character. I kept thinking about how bored he must be having to perform the same illusions for 30 years. This might not have occurred to me if he hadn't seemed so blah. I'm eager to go back and see Chris Angel's Mindfreak show. It will be interesting to compare the two.

MAGICIANS AND CLOWNS ARE SCARY, SAD CHARACTERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY LIVE AND PERFORM IN VEGAS. That's just for the record.

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT SPRING BREAK AND ARE OUT THERE WRITING AND QUERYING. (I've been querying like a mad woman. I'll let you know if anything interesting comes up.)

Spring Break

I've been fighting off the temptation to relax during spring break but it has finally won me over. After a little rest I'll be as good as new and look forward to seeing all the Crusaders around the blogosphere soon.

ANYONE DOING ANYTHING FUN FOR SPRING BREAK?

I'm excited to say I get to spend four days in Las Vegas seeing shows and gambling. Excellent time for watching people and building new characters. If only I could write it all off as a business trip it would be even better. Haha!

WRITE ON WRITER'S! I'LL BE BACK SOON TO CATCH UP.

On a side note: I would like to commend Rachael Harrie at Rach Writes and everyone else at Write Hope for the efforts they are making to collect funds for the relief effort in Japan. What a sad time for the world to watch this meltdown. My heart goes out to all of the people of Japan.

The Truth Be Toldeth

2004 after a 10-year anniversary refurb

She be pink - I not lieth. My most favorite (non-human) thing in the whole world is my 1976 Volkswagen Bug that I've owned since I was 16 years old (She was pink then, too). Yep, she's my first car and I still own her. I don't get to drive her regularly (not really a car that holds car seats very well), but I do get her out in spring and summer most years. I blogged about her once. More pictures HERE.

I asked my sister which one she thought was the lie and she said, "Well obviously your sense of humor about trivial things." My response to that was, "Really? I think I have a pretty good sense of humor." She said, "You do! Just not at first. It takes a minute for your sense of humor to come out." I guess I was lying about that? I didn't mean to, so this doesn't count as the lie because I still think it's the truth.

I finally told my husband I'm planning to shave my head when and if my mom loses her hair due to her chemo. He said, "Great! I think you should, as long as you let me shave it." YIKES! This is coming from a man who bought an extension to our Dyson vacuum to brush our dog's hair. Deal is OFF if he comes near me with the vacuum cleaner, that's all I'm saying.

Depending on how you look at it, when I said I stopped going outside last year, I wasn't lying. In comparison to how often the neighbors, my kids and my husband saw me outside in The Cul-de-Sac I really don't go out anymore. I think I over did myself when I was making appearances amongst the neighbors. I got burned out. There are only so many new and interesting things the neighbors have to talk about when all the wives stay home for a living. I threw in the towel when gossip reached its peak in my neighborhood. The neighbors weren't the only reason. I stopped going outside when hubby came home from work because I wanted a break and spent that time writing.

Speaking of neighbors. You wouldn't think a person who would take time to measure water coming out of my front spout from my back yard and into the gutter could exist outside of the movie, The Burbs starring Tom Hanks but it's true. My neighbor is obsessed with pointing out what's wrong with everyone else so no one will focus on what's wrong with him and his family. Not that I'm implying there is anything wrong. How would I know? I don't go outside anymore. Haha!

I do live in a cul-de-sac and the neighbors do refer to it as The Cul-de-Sac and we refer to their street as The Straight Street. My sister reminded me of how they used to call it The Cult-de-Sac. What can I say? Cul-de-sac people rule! We have our own private street and we look sideways when cars make a wrong turn into it. I guess it's kind of cult-ish. But we do put on the best and only haunted house in the community.

The true blade of misfortune really is the house down the street from me we call The Hanger House. The wife of the original owner hung herself in the gargage just before Christmas 2 years ago. Luckily, after a year on the market, the house has finally sold. I'm not sure though why a single woman would buy that house. Would you intentionally buy a house you knew someone committed suicide in? And then when I met this woman she mentioned working with someone who talks to the dead. Ahhhhh! I think she's trying to out-do my annual haunted house, what do you think?

It's true that dancing to the beat of my own drummer annoys people but I actually don't care. Eff them if they can't take a joke. The lie is within the blending. Blending is like following and in the excellent words of the rap artist, M.I.A. "You can be a follower but who is your leader?" If I start blending now I would be following someones lead which has been against my policy since birth. I enjoy being an individual and I hope all of you artists out there are enjoying your individuality as well. Don't be afraid to stand out from the crowd.

WRITE ON WRITERS!!!

It Was Definitely a Challenge!

It's not easy putting together a post that has to be less than 300 words and incorporate one lie, one secret, one interesting quirk, one annoying habit, one of my best character traits, one of my favorite things in the whole world and include the following words: bloviate, fuliguline, rabbit, and blade. It was definitely a challenge. Check out how other Crusaders fared in this First Crusader Challenge by going HERE.

Now for my version of the challenge:

I don’t live in high society but some of my bloviating neighbors think we do. When I shave my head to support my mother’s fight against cancer those same neighbors might think I’m doing it for unwarranted attention. They don’t get me. I would warn them but what’s the point? A little shock value goes a long way in this world. I’m quirky like that.

I’m not sure what my husband will think because I haven’t discussed it with him yet. I imagine he’ll say, “Fuliguline, Patty! You’re freaking bald!” He’ll get over it. He gets me.

I live in a cul-de-sac outsiders call The Cul-De-Sac which is just off of the street all of us inside The Cul-de-Sac call The Straight Street. My house is three doors down from The Hanger House; a blade of misfortune in my opinion. I like it here. We all bred like rabbits and now when my three kids go outside there are thirty other kids for them to play with.

Last year I stopped going outside. It would be rude for me to blame it on my neighbors, so I won’t. I’m just going to say I don’t enjoy hearing my neighbor say he measured a quarter-cup of water pouring into the gutter from our backyard every hour and wants to know what we’re going to do about it.

I’m not sure why but I’ve found that dancing to the beat of my own drummer annoys people. That’s why I started blending recently. I’m not sure why I’ve never done this before. It’s relaxing. However, I think that means I’m going to have to give up driving my favorite pink car around if I want to truly blend in. Having a good sense of humor about the trivial aspects of life is probably my best trait.

I may have revealed something about me that isn’t strictly true. Can you guess what it is?