As I reach my birthday in a couple of days, I can't help but admit that I hear a clock ticking off in the distance. We must all have them; clocks ticking in the background of our lives.
At first the clock was there inside the relationship I wanted to take to the next level, and then the clock was there again when I heard my unborn children calling to me.
What I didn't expect was to hear the clock ticking now, this far into my life. It must be trying to remind me of my unfinished goals; those little promises I made to myself long before the children came, even before the relationship peaked. But there were so many goals back then, how can I be certain of what the clock wants from me?
The clock is tricky, it won't just come out and tell me what it's really ticking for; it will only just tick. Is the ticking for my writing? Does it tick for a vacation? Have I've missed something on one of my to-do lists? Maybe the clock is pointing out that my to-do list is filled with stuff I have to do for others and hardly about what I need to do for me. I must need a change. Perhaps I need to regroup and remember that I'm no longer just a vessel; I'm also a person. No problem, I can be a person again, as long as I can remember who I once was and who I want to be. Is it too late for that?
SHHHHHH! I can hear it if I stay quiet long enough...it's getting louder...there, it's more clear than ever...tick, tick, tick...wait! I'm wrong. It's not a ticking sound....it's a thumping sound...thump, thump, thump...it's my own heart beating. All this time I thought I was racing an imaginary clock when I was really just being reminded that I'm still alive...and so long as I am, I have time for any type of goal I might imagine for myself today. Whew! On with the writing!
Nicole, this one's for you, because today you are my favorite ;)
October 5, 2003
Well, I know that I'm a mother for the rest of my life and I am a wife for as long as time can stand us. I am a daughter and a sister. I have distant friends and friends at a distance therefore I have no time for anything but my spiritual friendships at a distance.
I have traveled back in time to gain the perspective of those past friendships that I might have touched. What has been seen in me? Perhaps there was something I revealed that could be useful to me now in my quest to discover myself; but what is it? Maybe I found too many of my life's answers all at one time. Might my ability to continuously grow and learn be only vicariously through others?
Einstein said, "The fairest thing that we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. He who knows it not and can no longer wonder, no longer feel amazement, is as good as dead, a snuffed out candle."
I never supposed that I would come to a point in which I would have to define myself or have to admit that I might be pre-defined.
On and off in my life I used my journal to write down all the unanswered questions I have about myself. I go back over these questions every couple of years to see if I ever answered or at least gained some insight on those questions. When I look back over this particular entry I still think there has to be more to my life than the obvious, but then again I thrive on the mysterious; do I really want the answers? Also, I'm not sure if I'm pre-defined but if I am then the journey to the destination has got to be completely unique and unplanned otherwise my life would be out of balance; I can accept that I might be predetermined so long as I get to choose the path.